Kristine Joy, Writer

Describe your current mood as a weather report.

Congestion inherent because of the cold front that has set in. The sun may peak out, but doubtful. Likely cloud cover all of today, and most of the week if we project this out. Relationship with the daughter on ice, but this remains a watch for now as opposed to warning. Dogs cooped up to the point of causing a tornado of activity inside and we mustn’t forget about the storm brewing at work. It is suggested that all residents have flashlights, water and food supplies at the ready in the event that mood escalates from a Category 2.

Start with: “This was a terrible idea, but…”

This was a terrible idea, but I did it anyway.

Write from the POV of an abandoned grocery cart.

I can be full of zest despite the fact that I get pushed around all day. The latter is actually my purpose. Sometimes, I smell fishy and other times, like a fresh bouquet of flowers. Most users return me to my home, amongst my friends, when not in use, but others leave me for dead because their convenience is more important than consideration for my feelings or safety. When I’m new and have lubricated joints, I roll straight as an arrow, but later in life, I sometimes run askew. And finally, people sometimes won’t touch me until they detoxify me. What am I?

List 3 things you almost said today.

Please forgive me for being such a wickedly horrendous parental figure—you know, for making your safety my number one concern when up against factors outside of your control.

I know what you didn’t do last week. (the assigned workout wasn’t optional)

What must one do in order to earn respect around here? And if respect from others is a lost cause, and I just need to respect myself, hmmm, what are my options for the next decade of my life? This could be fun.

Write a fake warning label for your personality.

With enough prodding, will self-destruct.

Describe a place you’ve never been like you miss it.

The food is to die for. Puglian orecchiette with turnip tops. Fragola gelato that hits your tongue like a silk draping and then melts lusciously. Arco Basso in Bari, Italy is, hands down, the best restaurant that I’ve never visited. Oh, and don’t forget the view—breathtaking!

Give advice to your past self from last Tuesday.

On Friday, you will wake up ornery. And sick. Which came first, who can say, nor whether one caused the other. The sentiment will actually set in Thursday night and you’ll feel the onslaught deep in your bones. You will reiterate, to yourself, those recently read words that were supposed to be a new mantra—thinking is the root of all evil. But, the attempt to silence your rumination will be an utter fail. Couple this with the weather forecast from above, and the Magic 8 Ball reading projects onto your frontal lobe; Outlook Not So Good. Luckily, the darkness ebbs in concert with the sunrise, ingestion of coffee, dog warmth and distance that a single smile can travel.

Write a conversation between your motivation and your couch.

Couch: Look at our 3 dogs enjoying me so—do you really want to interrupt their slumber?

Motivation: Do something today. Anything.

Couch: Can you reach that mini-fridge without getting up? You haven’t had an ice cold Coca-Cola in ages.

Motivation: Sugar? At a time like this! You’re already under the weather, but fine, make it worse. What do I care?

Couch: See, motivation is on my side.

Motivation: That was sarcasm you couch potato.

Couch: Name calling? Really. Did it ever dawn upon you that you need me?

Motivation: How do you figure?

Couch: Without rest ON ME, who has the energy to feed YOU?

Motivation: Hmmm, give me a second to think about that.

Couch: Sure, have a seat.

List the rules of a secret club only you belong to.

The K.J. Club Rules

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Changes/Additions Must Be Approved By The Board

The Board = K.J.

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No Phones Allowed

Tent Camping Only

Do Not Disturb the Bison

Acceptable Modes of Transportation: Jet Ski, Snowmobile, Swim, Bike, Run, Ski, Train, Boat, Walk, Sled, Hovercraft, Dragon, Broomstick, Batmobile, The Battle Bus, Transformer

Keep It Simple

Run, Jump, Play — Everyday

Candy & Video Games Perfectly Acceptable

Stuff that is More Clutter than Useful is Not Allowed

Work Rate and Efficiency are Measured and Matter

Never Lie. Never Cheat. Never Steal.

Be Nice (even if especially if people aren’t nice to you because they obviously haven’t experienced it, or else they would spread it)

Sitcoms are an Acceptable Means of Clearing the Mind

Dogs and Books Aplenty

Invincible Safe Zone Surround

#FAMILY (including friends that are family)

Respect Self (and pay no respect to the opinion of those who don’t respect you, and seek to even the score understand, accept and/or respect them as fellow humankind nonetheless)

Buzzwords Not Yet Mentioned: Create, Laugh, Be Brave, Nature, Love

(and maybe some lust—the wholesome kind)

Begin a passage with “Right now,”

Right now, I’m flummoxed. An observer might see me as lost; staring into a void. What more is out there, beyond the day-to-day existence that we each live—beyond shiny cars, finish lines, money, sports, purity and sin? How can we possibly call ourselves an intelligent race and yet, possess so many faults?