#15
Upon arrival and asked of Aunt Diana, “My Mom said I can’t ask to go in the pool unless you offer so could you suggest it?”
Emmie and Mom had a discussion about her behavior:
“I got it. I know the normal procedure. I just had some bad ideas.”
#14
While sitting at a trailhead waiting for Eric to return from a hike, Mom poured a Ruby Citrus Spritzer drink into a fountain cup with ice. Mom was distractedly reading a map and Emmie helped herself to a few sips before asking, “This is really good. What is it?”
The next day, Emmie was smoking candy cigarettes that she had gotten at a candy store in Gardiner:
“Franklin isn’t going to want to marry me. I’m 8, smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol.”
#13
While buying Kool-Aid bursts at Walmart:
Emmie: Have you seen the Kool-Aid commercials?
Mom: Not recently. In my childhood, they were awesome though. Kool-Aid man always busted through walls.
Emmie: Yeah, but wouldn’t he break since he’s made of glass?
Mom: That thought never crossed my mind. You’re right.
Emmie: That’s why you need me. And why is he always full? There are always kids in the commercial. If I had a pitcher of Kool-Aid, I’d drink it.
On the way from Walmart back to the hotel….
Emmie: Can I have one of these Kool-Aid bursts?
Mom: When we’re inside the hotel and eating pizza.
(minutes later)
Emmie: I can have a Kool-Aid burst now, right? We’re in sight of the hotel.
Mom: I said inside, not in sight.
Emmie: I know, but that was clever of me, right?
Mom: Very!
Emmie: Clever enough to earn me a Kool-Aid burst?
#12
E: I don’t like that PINK and Katy Perry use so many swear words in their music?
Mom: Why not?
E: When it comes on the radio, there could be a baby in the car, and that baby will learn the bad words.
Mom: Would you prefer that they use a more appropriate word that had the same meaning?
E: Yes, what’s another word for sucker.
Mom: How about stinker?
E (proceeds to sing a verse, inserting stinker for sucker): Yeah, that has a good ring to it. What’s another word for bitch?
#11
Emmie chose not to share part of her ice cream with Mom and then randomly started singing:
Emmie: How do you like me now? How do you like me now?
Mom: Less.
Emmie: That was actually really funny.
#10
Emmie’s clothes were on the bathroom floor:
Mom: Shouldn’t this be in the laundry basket?
Emmie: Well, no, because I didn’t put them there.
#9
Emmie came running across the playground after school, jumped into my arms and gave me a hug (the other mothers appeared envious):
Emmie: Mom, you always smell so good.
Kris: Thanks kiddo.
Emmie (loud enough for all of the mothers to hear): Yeah, I just really like the smell of sweat. Is that weird?
#8
ALL IN A TENNIS TRIP
Emmie played with the daughter of the opposing Coach all of Saturday morning. Prior to leaving, she said, “Even though we’re on different teams, I think you’re pretty awesome.”
Haley’s Mom (Kandi) arrived and was looking for Haley.
Kandi: Emmie, do you know where Haley is?
Emmie: No, but you can use these (pulled toy binoculars out of her bag).
Later in the day…
Mom: Do you want to sit next to Kandi, or near the court entrance?
Emmie confusingly stared at Kandi.
Mom: Haley’s Mom is named Kandi. Did you know that?
Emmie: That is an awesome name. Kandi could carry candy.
In the van on the return trip….
Mom: Brooke just texted. You and Shaylee can have an overnight at our house or theirs.
Emmie: Well, they let us stay up as late as we want.
Mom: I suppose that’s reason enough to stay there, right?
Emmie: No. That’s not better than you guys. You’re the best.
Haley: That is so sweet.
Emmie: Yeah, but I could reject that at any time just so you know.
Culvers had drawings on the wall from a kids’ coloring contest. Two pictures were next to each other with the names, Hayley and Caitlyn:
Emmie: Did Haley and Kaitlin do these?
Mom then had to gas the van on Monday morning, and Emmie got to ride along since she didn’t have school:
Emmie: I don’t get it.
Mom: We have to return the van to Coe full of gas, and the tank is only half full.
Emmie: Yeah, but you use gas to drive back to Coe. You should get a tow truck.
#7
Stumbled upon this 10 minutes after Emmie had gotten out of the shower:
#6
On the way to school,
Emmie: What is that?
Mom: A chocolate and peanut butter protein shake.
Emmie (making gagging noises):
Why don’t you just eat this Milky Way? It’s the same thing without the peanut butter.
#5
Emmie came home from school upset that she had lied to Mrs. Lake. I suggested that she write an apology email to Mrs. Lake:
Mrs. Lake,
I’m sorry that I lied to you today. I gave Kai a Pokemon card, and then lied to you when you asked about it. I wanted to make Kai happy, but didn’t want to get in trouble. If there are consequences, I do not want to face them. Pleaseeeeeeee.
Sincerely,
Emmie
#4
Emmie went to Cancun for a week with her Dad. 4 days later, Emmie and Mom went to Puerto Vallarta. On the way to the airport, Eric and Mom were discussing Trump’s desire to build a wall on the Mexico/US border. Emmie asked a number of questions before making this comment, “Wait, is that why we keep going to Mexico now?”
Weeks later, Emmie continued to ask about immigration. Emmie was stunned to learn that Mexico was not part of the U.S.
Emmie: That’s sad for people from Mexico….you know, Mexicans. But, Daddy was Mexican.
Mom: No, your Dad legally lived in Mexico as a US citizen.
A school assignment that came home not too long after:
IF I WERE PRESIDENT: First, I would take down the wall and let people in because it is no fair. Next, I would let kids be in charge of grown-ups. Last, I would say 2 days of school and 5 weekend days.
#3
Grandpa: Watch Sophia so she doesn’t fall down the stairs.
Emmie: Ok.
(Emmie proceeds to wander off)
Grandpa: I asked you to watch Sophia.
Emmie: I’m irresponsible Grandpa.
#2
My Dad exchanged Emmie with Phil. Before picking Emmie up, Grandpa had stopped at Costco to re-stock items for the business including paper plates.
Emmie: I’m hungry.
Grandpa: You ate at McDonald’s with your Dad.
Emmie: I’m still hungry
Grandpa: Well, I don’t have any food in the car.
Emmie: If you don’t have any food in the car, why do you have so many plates?
#1
Mom was out of town; leaving Eric in charge:
Eric: You need to take a shower or bath this evening.
Emmie: OK. I choose bath.
Eric: Do you know how to do that on your own?
Emmie:
Yeah, I do. Don’t tell Mom though. When she does it for me, it’s paradise!
HONORABLE MENTION
It stormed during a hike that Emmie didn’t want to go on in the first place, “Go figure. Of course.”
While watching TV, there was a commercial about renting electronics, refrigerators, furniture, etc: “You have to pay that amount every week for the rest of your life???? That’s a lot of money! Why don’t they just pay the normal amount?”
Emmie was upset with Mom for not allowing her to stay up later, “If you were me, you’d be frustrated with yourself.”
Emmie found a tampon in the car and asked what it was. Mom explained.
Emmie: You have to put this up your butt?
Mom: No, it is put into your vagina.
Emmie: And the string hangs out? Don’t you pee on the string? Will I have to do that? I’m never doing that.
Emmie has been practicing singing the John, Jacob song in an English accent per a friend of hers that does a good imitation of the accent:
“I don’t get it though. Why do I have to practice an English accent when we speak English?”
Emmie got her ears pierced while with Dad…..
While cleaning her ears/earrings one evening:
Emmie: It’s not hurting. It’s just in my head.
Mom: That’s smart to help yourself handle the pain.
Emmie: Yeah, I’m trying to make myself comfortable. There is a man in my head telling me to do that.
Mom: Man or Woman in your head?
Emmie: Little man.
Mom: Got it.
The next day, Emmie was resistant to having her ears cleaned all together:
Emmie: It hurts, why couldn’t they just give me something gross to drink?
Mom: Remember how you handled it yesterday? You told yourself that it didn’t hurt.
Emmie: Yeah, but it does. I tried to tell myself that the pain was in my head, but it isn’t. It actually hurts.
Kris: Mason, is this your water bottle?
Mason: Nope.
Kris: Are you sure?
Mason: It’s not mine.
Kris: Well, it has a sticker on the bottom that says, Mason Diehl.
Emmie: Ahhhh, you just got framed dawg!
Emmie and Kallie were playing timber onto a pile of blankets. Emmie climbed onto Mom’s shoulders and she pretended to timber herself:
“I’m glad you didn’t do that. That would have been epically dangerous.”
Mason: Why are you making so much food?
Kris: Because all of you want something different.
Mason: Oh, are my hard boiled eggs ready yet?
Before running errands,
Emmie: Do you have a list?
Mom: I do. Part of it is written down, and part of it is in my head.
Emmie: That’s not a good list if part of it is in your head.
While running errands,
E: I’m kind of over the crush on Franklin.
M: Why is that?
E: I just don’t need to be worrying about that right now.
M: What are you worrying or thinking about instead?
E: What my next project should be for art class, whether you guys are OK when I’m gone, stuff like that.
M: You worry that we’re not OK?
E: Yeah, you’re probably always thinking like, I hope she is okay, you know?
In a panic,
Emmie: Oh no, I forgot to pause Fox & the Hound.
Mom: I did it for you.
Emmie: Thank you. You just saved my life.
E: I drew a picture of you, and I finally figured out how to draw a hand.
Mom: The hand looks great, but perhaps a touch small in relation to the arm?
E: That’s because you have big muscles and small hands.
Mom: Understood. 🙂
Emmie was climbing along the stair rail. Mom gave her a disapproving look:
“What? I’m a dangerous brave kid….(changed tone of voice for effect) who travels the Universe!”
While putting a Subway toy together:
“Watch and learn, Grandpa.”
Mom: Finish the show that you are watching, and then come find me.
Emmie: I want to know what we’re going to do before I approve that.
While on a dog walk,
Emmie: Next time we see Charlie, I’m going to use the phrase, Sorry Charlie! Get it?
Mom: I do. I just saw Charlie.
Emmie: I know. I know. I know. You told me already.
Mom: He turned 21 when I was there. Do you know what happens when you turn 16?
Emmie: You become a teenager?
Mom: You become a teenager when you turn 13. You get your driver’s license when you turn 16. Do you know what happens when you turn 18?
Emmie: No
Eric: You’re allowed to vote.
Emmie: And you can order toys online! Do you have to vote?
Mom: No
Emmie: What if no one votes?
Eric: We may find that out this Fall.
Emmie: Who are you going to vote for? Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump?
Mom: Have you had this discussion with someone?
Emmie: No
Mom: How do you know the names of the candidates?
Emmie: I hear their names everywhere. I’d vote for Hillary Clinton. She’s just trying to make the World a better place.
Emmie: I wish I got a matching face like yours.
Mom: (confused look)
Emmie: You got hazel eyes and brown hair. I got brown eyes and blonde hair……and a squirrel smile.
Mom: Do you feel okay? Are you congested?
Emmie: No, but my nose is stuffed up.
On the way to school…..
Emmie: Can I have a piece of gum?
Mom: No, we’re almost to school and you’d have to spit it out as soon as you got there.
Emmie: I know. That’s ok.
Mom: Well, you’d only get to enjoy the gum for a minute instead of 15+ minutes another time.
Emmie: Or, 15 minus since gum taste doesn’t last very long.
Emmie realized that she had put her shirt on backwards. She asked herself,
“Emmie, why do you do these things?”
At the camper,
Grandpa: Go inside and help vacuum.
Emmie: I don’t like to vacuum.
Grandpa: I don’t care if you like to do it or not. Go do it.
Emmie (mumbled to herself on her way into the camper): I’d rather be in Spanish class.
Mom was putting items into the backseat of the car, “Excuse me, my seat awaits.”
Emmie was reading a book about children performing The Wizard of Oz. She pointed to a picture:
Emmie: That’s the Tin Can guy.
Mom: Do you mean the Tin Man?
Emmie: Yeah, him.
We had dinner at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. While waiting for final prep, we were seated around the kitchen table chatting. We all had plates except Emmie since hers was on the counter waiting to microwave a bratwurst. Dinner was stated as ready, “Ummm, I don’t have a plate. Did anyone notice?”
SuckerFace (the fish) died. Goldie remains. I asked Emmie to say a few nice words upon flushing, “Bye SuckerFace, I’m sorry that I always hated you.”
Mom: Shaylee is coming over soon. Do you want to get your reading done beforehand, or are you going to read to Shaylee when she’s here?
Emmie: How about afterhand?
A frustrated Eric and Mom were pleading with Emmie to finish her dinner,
Mom: Emmie, please eat. There are starving children in this World.
Emmie: Ok. Why don’t we just send them this (motioning to her plate)?
Emmie begged for an early Christmas present. Mom asked her to write and sign a contract stating that she would not continue to beg for more gifts if she were given one. She wrote, “I promise to try to behave. I will not ask for more gifts. In return, I want a gift.” Signed, Emmie (in cursive)
While opening gifts, Emmie was perpetually annoyed to open up clothes boxes, “The clothes torture me every Christmas.” She would sift through to find one she was sure was a toy, “This one looks trustworthy.”
Over the 4 day weekend, Emmie built a massive fort in her office. Emmie posted a sign, “No parents allowed. Unless fort breaks.”
Emmie and Grandpa were working in the garage and he was trying to cut some plastic with a dull razor knife. Emmie said, “Why don’t you get something that actually cuts?”
The power/lights then went out for about 5 minutes. After they came back on, Emmie said, “In case you haven’t noticed, the lights came back on.”
While in the bathroom, “I’m not a big fan of the fan. Get it?”
While getting dressed…
Emmie: Sorry…I have your socks on.
Mom: That’s perfectly ok, but why do you have my socks on?
Emmie: I wanted to look more like an adult today.
In walking past Emmie’s room near bedtime:
Eric: Emmie, turn off the light.
Emmie: You’re supposed to be the light guy.
Emmie: I’m kinda stuck in the mud.
Mom: Why is that?
Emmie: My birthday is so far away. I wish it would come sooner every year.
Emmie made a comment which drew Eric’s response:
Eric: That makes sense. You’re just like your Mom.
Emmie: No I’m not. She has brown hair, green eyes and NOOOO sense of fashion.
Grandpa attached a shoe horn to the end of a yard stick such that he could take off his shoes without bending over. He asked Emmie what it was, “the thing you stick in the ground to measure how high a plant is.”
While playing a game on the iPad:
Emmie: Look. Now that I’ve passed, I can sit here and watch everyone else try.
Mom: See, they are struggling to pass it also.
Emmie: They’re failing too. Everyone fails. I get it. I understand all of the lessons you try to teach me now.
Mom: That’s good to hear.
Emmie: Yeah, so you don’t have to tell me them anymore.
(Mom also smirked at her self-talk while playing, “It’s just a game, it’s just a game.”)
Later in the same game:
Eric: Time for dinner.
Emmie: You said I could pass this checkpoint, and now you’re stressing me. I don’t want to be stressed. I’ll never pass.
After Fed beat Kyrgios, Fed was throwing towels into the crowd:
Emmie: Yuck, I hope he didn’t use those towels.
While playing a game on the iPad:
Emmie: Mom, choose a skin for me in this game.
Mom: OK, let me see the options.
Emmie: Just don’t choose the Hulk. He has really bad weaponry and it looks like his abs are outside his body. It’s weird.
Mom: Some people have abs that look like that. Like your Mom (said in jest).
Emmie: You never told me you have secret abs like that. You’re weird too.
After having parked, and while unloading….
Mom: Watch your door (so as not to hit the car next to us).
Mom found herself waiting behind the car before peaking her head around to look for Emmie, who was staring at her door.
Emmie: What? You told me to watch my door. That’s what Amelia Bedelia would do.
While Mom was cutting Emmie’s nails on the porch, she jumped:
Mom: Sorry, I had a bug on my leg.
Emmie: How big?
Mom: Big enough for me to feel it.
Emmie: Hah. I have pants on. Joke’s on the bug!
A few mins later….
Emmie: Can’t we just trim them instead of cut them?
Mom: If you let me do this more often, yes, but you tend to let them get out of hand.
Emmie: That’s funny. Out of hand.
After Crosley got loose and we spent 5 minutes trying to catch her, we stepped into the house. Emmie opened the refrigerator and grabbed a soda, “This calls for a nice drink.”
Emmie: What happens if I get arrested because I don’t know how to drive when I get older?
Mom: We will teach you how to drive before you do so, and as long as you’re not negligent, you won’t get arrested. For instance, if I slammed on the gas right now and purposefully ran into the car in front of me, I’d get arrested.
Emmie: What happens to your child if you get arrested?
Mom: If I get arrested? Eric, your Dad and Anna would take care of you.
Emmie: What if you were my only parent?
Mom: Grandma and Grandpa would take care of you.
Emmie: Oh, that’d be awesome. Except the part about you getting arrested. Or, Grannie Jannie?
Mom: Yes.
Emmie: That’d be sick too. I mean sick as in cool. Not like, oh, I feel sick.
Eric: Do you know what annoys a Coach more than most anything else?
Emmie: Pesky other coaches like Eric and Mom.
After 90 minutes of waiting and watching Emmie play fair games at FunFest, she asked for popcorn on the way out:
Mom: No, you’re going to a sleepover in which they are serving you dinner. I don’t want to spoil your dinner.
Emmie: I thought this was supposed to be FunFest. Now, it’s just Fest.
Emmie: Why does Turner sometimes growl when you try to move him?
Mom: He’s getting older. Dogs sometimes get ornery when they age. People do too.
Emmie: Yeah, like Grandma? She is ornery about my bangs and outfits.
Emmie: Why is it okay for me to watch TV, but not my iPad?
Mom: You seem to have an obsession with your iPad, but not the TV.
Emmie: Yeah, I do! Wait…..no I don’t!
(a couple days later, and while watching TV)
Emmie: Hey, why did you turn it off?!?!
Mom: I just paused it.
Emmie: Oh, good……NOT that I have an obsession or anything.
Emmie whipped out bubble gum and Mom got excited. Emmie laughed, “Oh Mom, you’re so childish sometimes.”
Problem/Solution School Worksheet:
Problem – My Mom does not let me stay up. She makes me go to bed at 8:00.
Solution – I stay up in bed.
Kristine Joy, Writer 
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