Kristine Joy, Writer

Does the divorce rate leave you appalled?

The entire system may need reinstalled!

Before I do’s, perhaps the hurt we can minimize?

If we agree up front on some compromise.

With purist concern and raised eyebrows,

I propose the following pleas as part of the vows.

……

I don’t need a picnic dinner under the Big Dipper, 

but please don’t feed me into a wood chipper.

You needn’t look like the Statue of David nude, 

but please don’t get us sued.

If you think you’re doing me a favor,

please, send on over a written waiver.

And if you’re a victim?

Spare me your dic(k)tum.

If you play games or manipulate,

I’d like a different shipmate.

If legal of course, I don’t care your age,

unless you are filled to the brim with rage.

If you remain sorrowful over the loss of another chum,

the best we could ever be is probably humdrum.

If you lie, cheat or steal,

please realize, you’re not the ideal.

If our finances are intertwined,

please don’t get our credit declined.

If you need likes on social media or looks on the street,

my love and attention will never be more than backseat.

If you have an addiction that is a train wreck,

maybe we should consider a rain check?

Even if my personality and looks are in the middle,

please don’t make me feel like second fiddle.

If I fill you with lust, but you cannot trust,

we’re doomed for spontaneous combust.

If you’re incapable of apology, or resort to name-calling,

no amount of sexology will keep us from snowballing.

I don’t need you to be a destined soulmate,

but I’d prefer to be the only person you impregnate.

And this is assuming we choose to procreate of course,

as opposed to your choice on the matter being by force.

I don’t need a fancy chablis or home by the sea, 

but please don’t give me a deadly STD.

I don’t need to be serenaded by fife, 

but please don’t stab me with a knife.

If you have unresolved issues in your past,

the bottom line is that we may not last.

I don’t need a future with only bright,

but please don’t lead me by gaslight.

If you are too weak to thwart temptation,

you’re watering the roots of our Divorce Nation.

I don’t need you to be home from work on time,

unless the reason why equates to a crime.

……

I need you to feel and be free to be authentically you,

for how can I know otherwise if you’re actually a poo-poo.

……

If any of the above arose a panic, or seemed strict criteria,

please do the rest of us a favor and move to Siberia.

Or, maybe just pause to realize the future might be bleak.

But, who the heck am I to speak?

……

I am batting the divorce rate myself and happy to discuss.

In my first marriage, I was the death of us.

I could not have checked all of the above boxes;

I was delusional to think I was one of the best foxes.

And then I married again, without work on an issue or two.

And when those issues boil over, I still act like a shrew.

I vow to check the boxes above, to put in the work,

before my second husband goes berserk.

……

And ask you to ponder who you truly are,

before the divorce rate, you too mar.

And if your heart skipped a beat reading parts of this poem, but you’re already married?

I beg you to address your own hurt, for fear that your marriage or spouse will end up buried.